Is there a fertility CAA? A place that could fix it all? Because I definitely need a membership…
Contrarily to my habitual silver lining posts, this one is definitely a rant. After three years of trying, I broke last night. I am just so tired of trying to be hopeful. It’s in my nature though, so I know that I will be right back into that state of mind in a few days, but right now, I just want to scream, cry and/or punch someone in the face!!! Ok – that last action was an exaggeration for dramatic effect, but I hope it helped you get the picture of my state of mind!
I *$#@%$%@*&^@#$ HATE FEELING LIKE THIS!
I feel like no matter what, this is never going to happen. That thought is making me feel even more broken, even more unfulfilled and even more scared of growing old with no one to share life with in that way. I wanted five kids… how can I have none? Never ever was there a scenario where I ended up close to 43 and childless… that I would one day die without having helped my child with their math homework, tried to unsuccessfully sew their Halloween costumes, stressed when they would have their first kiss and, eventually, see them go through the same ordeal… Never did I think I was not going to be part of that big cycle of life… that it would end with me… no continuity…
When I started this adventure, I knew I was getting a child out of this. A year in, I met my boyfriend. When he asked me the “will you stop trying one day” question, I said when I got to 45 or ran out of embryos. When he asked the “what if it doesn’t work” question, I said that I could be ok with that “zero kid” possibility. However, the closer I get to it, the closer I get to running out of options, the more I realise that I am not ok with that option. I am not ok with the thought of being childless. That thought is breaking me down. That thought is making me unhappy. That thought is making me not able to enjoy the beauty I have in life and the love that surrounds me presently. I do not know who I can be without one day being a mom.
“You can be you Kim! You can be happy with the love of your live-in boyfriend and 2 dogs! You can be the amazing person you are and find ways to help others instead!” But what if I do not want to. What if I do not want that.
I WANT to be a mom.
For the past month, I’ve been slowly looking at other options.
- Surrogate for my last embryo:
- I’ve joined a support group and I’ve been asking questions. It is more complicated than I thought and quite costly. Anywhere from 15,000$ to 100,000$. Of course, you have to cover medical cost for the surrogate, medication, transportation to and from appointments, but also lost of income during pregnancy and during their mat leave, lost of income for their partner too in some cases, legal fees for the contract/to update their will (for it to exclude that child from their inheritance), life insurance, maternity clothing, groceries if they have gestational diabetes, c-section cost (if applicable) ,…
- Local adoption:
- has an 6 year waiting list for application evaluation and then another couple of years before you have a chance at adopting. You are taken off that list if you turn 50 years old. I’ll be 48 in 6 years…
- International adoption:
- One by one, I scratched off countries…
- Philippines: be between the ages of 27 and 43… scratch that! Alex is already 45 years old.
- Burkina Faso/Haiti: married for minimum 5 years… scratch that!
- Madagascar/Dominican Republic/Romania/Taiwan/Thailand /Ukraine/Vietnam: Common-law partners for more than 2 years… scratch that! Alex and I have been together for more than 2 years and living together but not officially common-law… not my fault that I also met the love of my life late! So we wait two years before we can even apply… Break-up with him to try as a single woman? Well requirements are that you have to be single for more than 2 years too! So staying with my boyfriend or breaking up with him screws me either way!
- China: I may have a chance there as they MAY count living with a boyfriend towards that 2 years of common-law or marriage… However, they have now put a restriction on the amount of children they adopt out-of-country in order to keep them within their culture.
- One by one, I scratched off countries…
- Fostering-to-adopt with the Banque Mixte du Quebec:
- You must choose if you want to foster a French or an English child before starting the process, as you cannot apply with both governing bodies at the same time.
- I had a meeting scheduled with the French side for April 8th, 2020 but it was cancelled when Covid hit a month prior. In the meantime, I chose to work with the English side. In June, I got the call that meetings were happening again! Batshaw (English side) scheduled me for September 30th – the day the government placed new red zone restrictions on Montreal. I therefore got a call that day stating that that evening’s meeting was being cancelled. Just my luck! They have yet to resume.
- My French side meeting had been rescheduled for mid-October via zoom, so I thought that I might as well get some information! I attended and learned that it’s about 4 years between the time you apply to foster and the time a child is placed with you. Since Alex would have to attend meetings too in order to start the process, the next availability with them is March. Then it is three month to get the process going – which brings us to June. I turn 43 in July. That means I am minimum 47 and Alex would be 49 by the time we would potentially have a child on the French side…
- I am waiting for more information from Batshaw.
- Trying another IVF transfer:
- Quebec just announced that they are covering the procedure again! Yay! But only if you are under 41… I am 42!
- I love this option the most but it seems like my lining doesn’t seem to agree… post-Covid, my lining is like a car engine that is out of gas. I am still trying, still thinking positively, still projecting before every doctor appointment and still getting a weekly ultrasound. However, it frustrates me more than ever now every time I get a “let’s see again next week” or a “I don’t know Kim” from Dr Mahutte… are we both running out of gas too?
- “Just do the transfer and pray!!”, you say?! If I do the procedure, I then have to wait a year before trying to foster-to-adopt (requirement) and right now, I am not willing to risk it… I have followed protocol and waited quite a bit to be admissible for foster-to-adopt, I definitely do not want to screw up those chances.
See the predicament?! See where I am at? See why I am so upset? So confused? So sad?
That’s when the questions start flooding in… why did I wait to meet the perfect guy before trying to have a kid… Why are we not taught about this at a young age so we can make timely choices? Why does timing seem to be completely off for me?! Why is it so hard for someone who wants a baby so badly… Why can’t I just give up?! Why am I so broken…
I need roadside assistance. Is there a fertility CAA?
TO BE CONTINUED…