By now, you know that my first trial with IUI (intrauterine insemination) was a fail. Bouncing back was actually quite easy because I didn’t really have time to think about it. It’s a good thing, but also a bad thing because you might not stop to ask questions. The “not pregnant” verdict usually falls on day one for your cycle. Day 2 sees you getting an ultrasound to see how many follicles you have & the hormones start up again that day for take #2. Your mourning turns into yearning again and you set yourself up for another trial.
So yeah… after viewing that video, you know that it’s been hard. That’s now two new failed insemination attempts and on top of that, I chose to change my donor. I made the decision not only because my original donor was now sold out, but also because I just wasn’t feeling it anymore and began thinking that perhaps we weren’t compatible.
Oh sperm bank! How I missed you… not!
BACK TO SQUARE ONE FOR TAKE 4
I found it a bit tougher this time around to concentrate on all that medical, physical, psychological info without concentrating on the photos… Is he cute or not?! That was my state of mind. It’s such a tinder-esque urge, you know?! “If I am paying for sperm, I might as well make sure that my donor is HOT!” So I turned off the photo option and put in height as my only criteria. **I know… I know… but I am tall and I want that to carry through to my child!
I made a top 10 and only then did I turn on the photos again. Ayayaille!! My top choice gave me the butterflies! Not only was he good looking, but he was also black!
Like I mentioned in my previous blog, I grew up thinking that I would have a black/white biracial child (along with red-headed triplets and a white child — all with the same man! I must have seen too many Oreo commercials). Could I really do this though? I am already putting a child into the world that won’t have a father to identify to, now it might not be able to identify with me? Am I setting this child up for failure, giving it more reasons to have an identity crisis? Am I too naive to have a biracial child? I am a quarter Irish, Scottish, French & Inuit and I have always valued cultures and melting pots. My curiosity about other cultures led me travel to over 30 countries. I didn’t see this being a major issue… but would others?
My mom, growing up Inuit and on the receiving end of racists comments, was a tad worried about my child not relating to anyone else in the family. She had felt the pain of words growing up, so she didn’t want her future grandchild having to face that too. I understand. So, to put us both at ease, I asked around. I made contact with biracial children of Caucasian women, I asked mothers of biracial children, I asked white friends and black friends, advocates and even my doctor! I asked about identity, I asked about dating, I asked about any issues they might have encountered, opinions they might have heard and what I heard back was MOSTLY positive… but it can’t always be all positive!
I was still on dating websites & I used a couple of the guys I was talking to for a social experiment; asking them “would you date a girl with a mixed black/white kid?”. Of the six asked, one flat out said no and another responded that he would not because he obviously isn’t that girl’s type! I was happy that they were in the minority and it actually made me realise that THEY weren’t MY type!
A social advocate asked me if I had thought about the impact it would have on my job. I did not understand what he meant, so I asked for further info. He responded: “In today’s hyper sensitive race baiting identity bullshit you’ll be labelled with “white priviledge” by having a black baby. You might suffer if Black Lives Matter Montreal decided to go after you for your profile. A white lady on TV having a black baby by donor. History has shown that organisations like (yours) will toss you before they back you”. WOW! Just WOW! I had never even thought about that, and for a second it scared me, but I did not believe it could be true. At this point, I had yet to tell my boss that I was going through fertility treatments with a donor, but I truly believed that this would not happen. **and I can say, in hindsight, that it was not an issue whatsoever! When I finally opened up, everyone was extremely supportive!
At this point, I had made my decision. The good outweighed the bad! However, I had two more people on my list of opinions that I wanted to hear. One is a good friend, who happens to be black & often speaks out about cultural injustices. He also always teases me about not having one racist bone in my body! I truly thought that he would say that I was too naive for this… However, he said: “that child will see the world with the same rainbow coloured glasses as you do and won’t see a bother in he/she being of a different colour”. That warmed my heart.
Finally, I spoke to Dr Mahutte, at the fertility clinic. “Have you heard of issues from other patients/moms going through the same dilemma? For me, I just feel like I am not choosing a donor, I am choosing a child… so when he/she asks why he/she is so different from everyone else in the family, I am just going to answer ‘because I chose YOU'”. Dr Mahutte looked at me and said all I needed to hear. “Kim, you just said it. You CHOSE that baby and that’s just beautiful”.
FOURTH INSEMINATION – NEW DONOR
That video still makes me cry… #1 No. #2 No. #3 No. They all stung but the 4th “Not Pregnant” definitely hurt the most… what am I doing wrong?!
At this point, I had invested so much into the process, emotionally and financially, that I could not (and didn’t want to) walk away. I decided to take the leap. I was going to give myself one more try and go for the big guns: in-vitro!
(TO BE CONTINUED)
In Kim’s Head 
Sending you huge hugs and warm wishes. I understand what you are going through because I have as well and still have not given up after 8 years of trying. Gained weight, cried myself to sleep, isolated myself, went through every possible emotion you can think of. If it works out, great and if it doesn’t, remind yourself that you are a very strong woman. Love yourself and treat yourself to a spa treatment and yoga classes. Not having a partner is difficult but having one is also not so easy. You keep thinking that you have let them down, let their families down, … In the end, surround yourself with kind and down to earth friends. Share your videos as you have been doing. You are very brave. Wishing you the best of luck and toss those pee sticks! They’re addictive and quite pricey! Or Hulk Smash them when they come out negative 😉
So very, very courageous, Kim! You are so strong to share this journey on your blog. I can’t imagine anyone else having the ability to do this, so transparently with the highs and the lows. Whatever happens next, I wish you peace, happiness and serenity. The world is an amazing place, with beautiful surprises around every corner. You never know what can happen next!