Single Mom By Choice -Part 15: Butterflies and Tears!

Butterflies… Tears… is it normal that I’m this nervous? Shipment has been paid, the embryos are mine, I am two days away from getting a phone call saying that they are finally in Montreal and every time I think about it, I have butterflies and tears. Tears of excitement, of course. Butterflies that come with. Tears of joy too! But, if I am going to be sincere, there are also tears of fear and sick feeling butterflies…

It’s such a crazy adventure and it’s been so cathartic to share my story with you, but to live it… now that’s a different story. It’s been quite a scary thing!

I have to admit that I don’t help myself; reading stories of donors wanting their embryos back or being resentful once the baby is born, stories about the transfers failing and stories of children not fully accepting the situation they were born into. One day, embryo donation/adoption will be common, but we are not there yet and being in the “first” (I put quotation marks here as there are MANY before me who have used this option) is a tad scary.

I have such a good feeling about my donor family though, so that aspect of the adventure doesn’t worry me. Did you see the bouquet of flowers they surprised me with on my 40th birthday?! I really won the lottery when it comes to donor families. **you can see the bouquet in the video below

I also always wanted to adopt and I wanted my future adoptive children to meet/know of their biological family. Since we’ve agreed to an open adoption, that doesn’t worry me either.

I’m also not worried that my child will have a brother in Wales and a second sibling just a couple of months older. Is it weird? Yes! A fully biological sibling less than nine months older? It does sounds like science fiction! However, I personally think that it’s such a beautiful thing and that by the time I have to explain everything to this child, it will be old news to go down the embryo donation route… so no. I truly am not worried by that.

So why am I so nervous? Why am I so scared?

I don’t think I am scared that the child will never totally feel like I am their mother. Nor am I scared that the child will resent me for having gone through this process, as after all it is their only chance at life… But maybe I do feel that there is something missing. Will my child always think that he/she does not belong? Maybe I am still mourning my own eggs, without realizing it. All I know is that my embryos are two days away from being in the same city as me and I am scared…

Maybe I’m just scared that finally, after a year of trying, this will actually work! Or maybe, I am more scared that it won’t…

FAST FORWARD TWO WEEKS

The embryos arrived in Montreal on July 18th! FINALLY! THEY HAVE ARRIVED!!

The doctor had me on hormones since July 3rd in order to prep my lining and get me ready for implantation. I had an appointment on the 19th to make sure all was good and to get a baseline for my lining. 4mm. Quite thin, but that’s part of me – I’ve never had a thick lining. I was that girl with light 2-day-periods – it’s the reason I consulted in the first place years ago and I was told to be happy with my light, cramp-less periods… believe me, I’d trade them in for the monthly cramps if it meant a better chance at carrying this child… Anyways, the doctor reassured me that it was the start of my cycle, so that 4mm was ok. ***a normal lining can be around 13mm at its best and implantation doesn’t normally happen with a lining below 6-7mm. In the last year, my thickest lining was a 6.9mm.

One more week of estrogen pills and viagra (yes – female viagra – a cute little pink pill that can increase blood flow to the uterus) and back at the clinic July 26th. If I got the ok, I had to take 5 days of progesterone and then two cute embryos would be transferred into my uterus. So freaking exciting!

Unfortunately, July 26th came with a lining that had only grown to 5mm. Truly not much growth and quite a bit of disappointment. I had been sick that week and took extra strong cold meds. That may have hindered its growth. You never know. Once again, female anatomy and fertility is one of those things that you just can’t explain…

“One more week of pills”, my doctor said, “and then we will see”.

Acupuncture, vitamin E, D, L-Arginine, maca, CoQ10, royal jelly, raspberry tea and even a liter of soy milk a day (for a non milk drinker – that was brutal). All of it done and taken in the hopes of getting that lining up near 7mm in order to go ahead with the transfer.

SO? WHAT’S THE VERDICT?

That week has passed and I did it all… but the ultrasound yesterday showed a lining that had gotten THINNER! Really? How does that even happen? So we are scrapping this month, provoking my period and restarting afresh.

I am sad. Upset. Frustrated. Scared. Doubting that maybe I am not meant to be a mom. Maybe my biggest fear – that this won’t work and I will be childless – is actually becoming a reality. I don’t know. It’s easy to say “when the time is right”, “it will happen”, “don’t worry”,… but I do worry. I do doubt. I feel impatient. I am really scared.

Waiting two weeks for another cycle to start will be more brutal than those two week waits I went through in order to find out if I was pregnant. At least then there was hope… now, there’s just doubt. Tears. And butterflies.

(TO BE CONTINUED)

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