These two past months have seen a lot of ups and downs, including posting my first of these blogs. I will admit that I was at a very low point, after four failed insemination procedures and one failed in-vitro, and I wasn’t sure that I could carry on with this adventure. I don’t know how people who have been struggling for years keep on trying… You spend years being told how to prevent pregnancy, but no one tells you how difficult it can be when you are actually ready…
LIFE OPENS UP WHEN YOU DO
That has definitely been the case here! I cannot even express how your reactions to these blog posts have shifted my life for the better.
When you are doing everything you can to conceive a child and it is not working, it is so very frustrating to hear people say “just relax, it will happen”, “things happens when you don’t think about it”, “just wait for the man”, “my buddies got pregnant in their forties”… The reality of it all is that my body is different from yours and that baby-making is an art, not a science. Wanting something so badly, yet having your body refuse to cooperate, makes you feel like a complete and utter failure; there is something truly wrong with YOU. And that is a hard feeling to shake off.
Opening up about my experience brought in words of encouragement and support, anecdotes from friends/parents of students I once taught/charities I once worked with/acquaintances showing me why they thought I’d be a great mom, but most importantly it brought me YOUR stories. Knowing that other people got it, really got it, was such a relief. They say sharing is caring and, boy oh boy, I truly felt cared for!
I spent a weekend being upset, but in true Kim fashion, I followed up on that Monday with a ultrasound. Maybe I could do this again… However, the ultrasound only found three follicles. I sat with the doctor and asked him frankly “am I shooting in the dark wanting to try again”. “No”, he responded, “it only takes one good egg”. ONE GOOD EGG. The problem is that we never know when that one good egg may appear. I said earlier that baby making was an art, well it’s actually a lottery! Your time may come, but when? My two previous embryos were medium quality eggs. That, with a thin lining, put my odds much lower for getting pregnant. One good quality egg makes the world a difference and that’s why the younger you are, the easier it is to get pregnant. **Women are born with a certain number of eggs and we ovulate the best ones first. So the quality of a 30 year old’s egg will never be at par with that of a 20 year old’s. If I am lucky enough to have a daughter in the future, she is definitely freezing her eggs by precaution in her 20s!
“Have you thought about egg donation?”, the doctor asked. OUCH! It finally hit me — this was the first instance where I actually had to admit to myself that my body maybe wasn’t up to par. I hadn’t thought about egg donation and I didn’t want to. Not only was the sperm I was using from someone not close to me, but now the eggs wouldn’t be mine? I could understand a couple using donated eggs, as the sperm would still “part of the family”. However, in my case, it meant that nothing about this future baby would be mine and that was a hard pill to swallow.
Oddly enough, good friends & family know that adoption has always been something that I’ve wanted to do — AFTER I had my own kids. I had never thought of, nor did I want to think of an equation that didn’t include my own kids… so as much as I always talked about one day adopting, I didn’t feel ready for that day to be today.
Here is how I felt leaving my post-mortem:
I seemed ok in that video, but truly hit a low point when I got home. That day, I posted my first blog.
Life opens up to you when you do! What a great saying! As the days went by and reactions to my posts came in, I started gathering information about the world of fertility. I learned about supplements (why did no one tell me about CoQ10?!), found amazing books (It All Starts With The Egg – buy it!), watched eye-opening documentaries (One More Shot – find it on Netflix), discovered support groups on social media (join them, ask the questions, support others – it feels so good) and I realized that there was a whole world of options just waiting to be discovered.
I posted my second and third blog, then came the fourth and fifth. The more I wrote, the more I shared. The more I shared, the more I learned. The more I learned, the more I became open to these options. Options that I wouldn’t have considered four short weeks ago. The more I opened up to these options, the more I felt like this was my path. My journey had to happen this way for me to be excited about my next step!
I am meant to be a mom and I am not giving up on that. It may not be the down the traditional route, but I knew that when I decided to walk down the path of being a single mom by choice.
It’s too early to share what my next step is. I am meeting with doctors this week. There are conversations overseas. There are amazing developments in the world of fertility and it has me excited once again. All I can say is THANK YOU! Yes, I am crying writing this, but they are tears of hope – and that hope, I owe it all to you!
My reaction to your response:
(TO BE CONTINUED)