Don’t we all hate waiting in line or being on hold… those minutes passing by while you are trying to get something done or get in contact with someone always feel like moments of life just wasted away… even though you know that once you get to the front of the line or that person answers the phone, you will have what you need or that person will most likely solve a problem you are facing, it’s still feels like those minutes are wasted… that’s how I am feeling now. I feel like I am just wasting time.
I know that I can change my mindset and I think to survive in this fertility process and trust that it is all happening the way that it should, I must. But it ain’t easy!
On the down low, post that chemical pregnancy and loss, I tried another round of in vitro with my adopted embryos. This time, the doctor agreed to transfer two embryos. However, after 2 weeks of cramps and symptoms that were not felt before (this gave me hope), I got the BFN. Big Fat Negative. The embryos did not stick. Deflated, yes. However, it’s was more a “meh” moment. Like if, at this point, I’ve gotten so used to seeing/hearing “not pregnant” that it was just another day in Kim’s fertility journey.
I will admit though that I felt that, since we had done a natural cycle without hormones, I wasn’t doing EVERYTHING that I could do for a viable pregnancy. Should I take hormones? I asked the doctor about that when my next natural cycle showed a lining of only 3.3mm (despite taking viagra, baby aspirin, disgusting Chinese herbs, vitamin E, D and maca). The doctor did explain though that my lining was always stronger when I grew an ovary. I wasn’t sure I understood what he meant… you go to the doctor and do what he says without asking too many questions. Hormones? Ok. Sonogram? Ok. Natural cycle? Ok. I had been on hormones and gotten a thicker lining – so what did he mean that it was always thicker when I grew an ovary and why not put me back on hormones?
Dr Mahutte explained that I had been on hormones some of those times, since I was trying to “harvest” my own eggs. He added that it was the fact that follicles were maturing that made my lining grow – not the hormones. The hormones helped MORE follicles grow and stopped one from ovulating before the others were ready. The two times that I actually used hormones to help thicken a lining for the adopted embryos, it failed. Those hormones, from the start of those cycles, inhibited follicles from developing so that you don’t have to worry about ovulation and you can take longer than a normal cycle to grow that lining. Once the lining ready, more hormones will simulate a follicle ovulating and make your body think it is all happening naturally. Ahhhhh! Lightbulb moment. I had not realized! So I understood that there was no point pumping hormones into my body and that I can’t help this month’s 3.3mm lining. Why didn’t it grow? Who knows. But it isn’t strong enough for another round of in vitro and I am doing everything that I can do.
So what’s next?
With the clinic closing for the holidays and my cycle falling in between those two week, I have been put on hold… it’s not minutes though, it’s hours… days… weeks… actually, it’s more than a month. I know that’s nothing in the grand scheme of things, but after 16 months of trying, it feels like an eternity. Sixteen minutes of waiting is enough to make somebody give up on a purchase or a service call, imagine 16 months… However, I can change my way of seeing it. Instead of seeing it as wasted time, I have to see it as time taken to solve a problem. I have this fertility issue and I am now on hold and hopefully when my waiting time is up, a baby will come!
So I am on hold. I get to finish the renos on the new house and truly be hands-on. I get to drink during the holidays. I get to actually try to lose weight gained in the last year (it’s tough when you are at the doctor’s every 2 days and trying every two weeks to get pregnant, then 2 weeks of eating/no strenuous activities hoping it worked). Plus, my guy gets to date me a month without wondering if I will be pregnant in two weeks! haha I laugh, but poor him… he’s been a great sport! So despite the frustration of waiting and the feeling that I am wasting time, loosing precious hours, growing older and losing hope, I have to see the positive.
2019 will be a year that will start in a new house, built for my future family and it’s going to be fantastic. So put me on hold… I’ve always liked elevator music!
Lâches Pas Kim! Enjoy the Holidays. Be crazy and have fun! 2019 sera une nouvelle année remplie de belles et douces surprises. Keeping my fingers crossed for you. Tout est possible. xxx
Kim, my wish for 2019 is for you and many women with the same hope as you, will have their dream of motherhood happen. I wish you this with lots of health and happiness included! Happy New Year! 🙏🏻
I am moved by your tough journey. I‘d like to hear what’s happening. I‘m turning 40 really soon and we‘re recently trying for a baby. My boyfriend never wanted children, then this year we reached a do-or-die moment. We were either going to break up or actually go for it. So since the start of the year we are trying and every month it’s just devastating to find out it didn’t work. I know there is a chance that it won’t happen at all. Not having children is not the end of the world but it would be a shattered dream and hard to digest. It takes some effort to stay positive but I’m doing my best. And I‘m hoping the best for you. You‘ll be great mom. Xx Stefanie
Hi Stef! Thank you so much for your sweet note. I actually just finished writing an update and will be posting it shortly. It warms my heart that you feel that way. Fertility is such a lottery game… and yes, every month (like every friday when those lotto number come out) it’s a deception when the answer is no… don’t lose hope. Are you trying with fertility help or no? I can definitely be there for you! xo